Matt Gaetz releases statement explaining how he came to Seminole County to investigate reports of witchcraft.

My fellow Republicans, I warn to you be vigilant against demons and deceivers that come to us in the form of witches. These most often appear as young women from unfaithful families of heathens, who are sent to corrupt our efforts to restore Christianity to these lands. They conspire and speak with forked tongues, and are above all not to be trusted or believed in a word that they say.

In 2017 we had received reports in Tallahassee of an outbreak of witchcraft in the area of Seminole County. There were varied and at times incredible reports of such witches corrupting and afflicting even the most devout and God-fearing members of our Congregation, good husband-men who were overcome by their spells which were in some manner irresistible. Coming from God-fearing Okaloosa County where such evils had not been known for at least 60 years, these matters were of both great curiosity and horror to me so I sought to investigate.

These reports came to us from one of our faithful brothers Joel Greenberg, who had recently been elevated to the office of Tax Collector. Perhaps by providence from the hand of God, this office had given to Brother Greenberg a means to investigate a great variety of old records, from which we endeavored to discover the exact homes and phone numbers of these witches that we might fully uncover and root out their conspiracy.

We formed a group of Missionaries led by our Honorable Speaker Chris Dorworth. For his investigations of these matters, Greenberg had become known covertly in our circles as “Hammer of Witches”. And I joined this group in the interest of discovering and rooting out this coven of invaders, who were reported to corrupt and afflict even our most loyal parishioners.

We had only just gathered at the house of Brother Dorworth to plan our next steps, when suddenly we found ourselves invaded and overcome by witches. They seemed to come to every part of the house and fly about like birds so that sense of time and place was lost in the confusion. I found myself paralyzed as if by some supernatural force, and pinned up against a table where I was assaulted by a witch for how long I cannot remember. It was a seemingly interminable horror which I endured only that others might be spared. For several hours we battled these witches hoping to slay them, and with them the beast by which they were animated.

And from this experience I leave you with a warning: Seminole County is a place of unspeakable evil and false tongue. Do not travel there. And above all, do not be lured to your demise by such reports of harpies. For they dissemble in a most impenetrable manner, and all is the product of a conspiracy to frustrate our Great Task of bringing God to these lands. All is woven in a web whose maker is none other than Lucifer, the Great Deceiver. I pray with the Faith of our Lord that you be of clear mind, and spared such deceptions.